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China Swaps US Debt for Equity: All Problems Solved!

(Reuterz, Washington D.C. )

Goldman Sachs has announced that its Treasury Dept. has completed a debt for equity swap with the People's Republic of China, effectively solving most of America's problems.

Terms of the deal give China all U.S. States, territories and possessions west of the Mississippi River -- plus Michigan -- in exchange for cancellation of the trillions of Treasury debt they currently hold.

"This solves nearly all of our problems," said a joyful President Obama. "It eliminates our foreign debt and our trade deficit; We will now only owe ourselves and sell to ourselves!"

A White House spokesperson noted that "future threats of military attack by North Korea or China have also disappeared." He continued, "Now that the U.S. is part of China, the North Koreans wouldn't dare launch any missiles, and for China to attack itself would just be silly."

Congressional leadership had initially opposed the surrender of half the country until it was pointed out they were now free to run up the national debt again and "Spend, spend, spend!"

For its role in the arrangement, Goldman Sachs compensation is estimated to be Florida.

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Dec 14, 2009 | permalink | comment | rss subscribe via rss

Happy Holidays from Goldman Sachs!!!

satirical photo satirical Goldman Sachs Xmas card

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Dec 14, 2009 | permalink | comment | rss subscribe via rss

Obama To Bring Troops Home!

Speaking before a fully-packed audience of uniformed mandatory attendees, President Obama announced that he will deploy 30,000 additional US troops to Afghanistan, promising to bring them home just in time to vote in the next presidential election.

A White House spokesperson said "Bringing troops home always plays well with the voters, but in order to do that, we need to send them somewhere first."

The deployment is estimated to cost taxpayers $30 Billion -- roughly the same as bailing out Goldman Sachs.

Citing the 9/11 attacks, The President emphasized that winning in Afghanistan is absolutely crucial if we are "to learn from the lessons history has taught us."

Apparently not his best subject, Mr. Obama failed to mention that history also teaches us that everyone who has tried this before -- including the Russians, the British, the Ottomans, Alexander The Great, and Genghis Khan- all failed miserably.

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Dec 3, 2009 | permalink | comment | rss subscribe via rss

Goldman Bans "Last Suppers"; Suspends 1st Amendment!

Editor's note: the following blog post is satire.

Reuterz, New York - In swift reaction to recent calls for his resignation, Lloyd Blankfein, Chairman of the Wall St. Church-State Goldman Sachs, issued an edict banning employees from assembling in groups of twelve.

Employees received the seasonally-festive, "no parties of 12 " command via voicemail blast as part the CEO's Weekly PR Blunder Address.

"He considers any gathering resembling The Last Supper a bad omen" said a spokesperson for the financial Pontiff, noting " They don't end well."

The directive is part of a broader corporate strategy called " Don't Know; Don't Tell" in which employees are encouraged not to fraternize. "The theory is if employees do not know who each other are, they are less likely to conspire or collude", adding hastily " except in the normal course of the way Goldman Sachs does business.

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Jan 10, 2010 | permalink | comment | rss subscribe via rss

Dubai Completes 110 Story Middle Finger!

(Reuterz - Dubai) Visible from space, Dubai has completed construction of the World's largest structure, the 110 story "Burj Dubai Middle Finger Tower."

The dedication festivities were hosted by Dubai's Sovereign Ruler, His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, who took the opportunity to simultaneously announce he was suspending payments to the international lenders who financed it.

"We wanted to show the world a great symbol," he said. "You gave us $59 billion in loans and a payment schedule -- and we give you this!"

 

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Jan 10, 2010 | permalink | comment | rss subscribe via rss

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